the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
