I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
