My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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