Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
