so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
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