one two three fourrrrnication!
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
