Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He passed out mid-signature
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
