The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
