Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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