I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
