I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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