I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
