I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i was born a porn star she said
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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