Say something about gay babies.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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