I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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