I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
