I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
