After last night, I could never be a politician.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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