y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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