I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
