sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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