I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
