I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
