quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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