then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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