I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
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