where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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