the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
