How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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