tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
