good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
