one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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