How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
