in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
