i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
