did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
