my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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