Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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