I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I puked a lego.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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