I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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