i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
