Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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