then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I take back everything I said about communal showers
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I can't turn off my feet"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
