Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
