You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
