Sry I called you an 8
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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