apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Oh god it's open bar.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
