So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
