I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
