Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
